"transferring"

Trigger warning: This post discusses ashes and the transferring of ashes.

2023

Recently, I had to request a replacement urn necklace after the closure unexpectedly popped out of my original one. The night it happened, I thought my earring had fallen out of my ear, but I quickly realized I was mistaken. I grabbed a flashlight and knelt on the floor of our family room, trying to locate the source of the noise. Soon, I spotted a ruby gemstone and felt a wave of panic. Looking down at my necklace, I saw what almost looked like a wound—what had fallen was the closure, which wasn’t supposed to come off once secured.

After frantically checking to make sure none of the ashes had fallen out of my necklace, I moved to our kitchen table to try and fix the closure. As I placed the necklace on its back, a small fragment of bone shifted into the opening. Even though I had read about what ashes are made of, it still unsettled me a bit. I managed to secure the closure back in place, but I wasn’t entirely confident it wouldn’t pop off again. So, I reached out to the customer service team. Thankfully, they understood the situation and sent me a replacement urn necklace for free. My dad and I decided to handle the transfer of ashes to the new necklace ourselves.

The morning after receiving the replacement necklace, my dad and I prepared to transfer my mom’s ashes. When I removed the wooden base and saw her ashes in the plastic bag, my stomach dropped. I tried to remind myself that even though this was all that remained of her physical body, she was whole, happy, and healthy in spirit. My hands shook slightly as I transferred her ashes, careful not to drop anything. I even placed a few larger bone fragments into the necklace. Although I tried to approach this task with strength, my composure faltered when I began screwing the nails into the base. I couldn’t maintain the facade any longer.

I broke down. Tears blurred my vision, and I asked my dad if he could finish screwing in the base, which he kindly and thankfully did. It was hard to grasp that this was all that was left of my mom—a beautiful person with a wonderful heart, an infectious smile, and boundless love—just ash. The only thing that broke through the overwhelming pain was my cat, who started acting very goofy. I can’t quite describe his behavior, but it even made me ask, “What are you doing, Milo?” I like to think it was my mom’s way of trying to distract me or cheer me up.

After thanking my dad for his help and placing the urn back in the family room, I stood next to it, taking a moment. The transfer was an emotionally difficult process, but I’m incredibly grateful that I did it. The closure on this new necklace feels much more secure, which brings me peace knowing I won’t have to worry about her ashes falling out or losing the gemstone closure. I truly love and cherish this necklace, especially since it features her fingerprint, too.

If you choose to transfer ashes on your own and feel anxious about it, I recommend having someone you trust and feel comfortable with by your side. Having my dad there made a world of difference for me.

-j🌻

"my thoughts on my adoption now"

Image Source: M-Productions on iStock.com

Over the past several months, I’ve received a few emails from Ancestry, urging me to renew my membership or promoting deals on their website. When my brother and I first did the Ancestry kits, our main goal was to see if we could connect with any biological relatives, especially our biological parents. As Ancestry grew and added more features, we were able to learn more about our ethnic background. However, we still weren’t able to connect with any biological family members—aside from a few and very distant, possible relatives. Because of this, I eventually canceled my membership and stopped paying much attention to the emails encouraging me to renew.

(Please note, I’m only sharing my personal experience with Ancestry. As someone adopted from Ukraine, it’s not surprising that our biological family members aren’t on the site. I believe if you were born in the United States, you’d have a better chance of connecting with newly discovered biological relatives, as my mom did. Ancestry is a fascinating platform, and I’d still recommend it if you’re curious about your DNA. Please don’t let my experience discourage you—I still learned some cool things, like discovering I’m 1% Italian!)

Since my mom’s passing, I’ve come to realize that I no longer feel the emotional need to search for my biological parents, older half-sibling, or any other biological family members. Of course, this could change over time, but for now, I just don’t feel the same way I once did. And that’s perfectly okay.

The day before my mom passed away, we had a deeply moving private conversation. Toward the end, I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and felt completely connected to her, as if we were whole. It was an overwhelmingly pure feeling of love, almost like a deep, forgotten hole in my heart had been filled. I still think about that moment, especially during emotionally challenging times, and I can still feel the wave of euphoria and warmth in my heart. It was such a gift and a beautiful reminder that my mom will always live in my heart.

So, when I received those emails to renew, I thought, I don’t need that anymore. I don’t need to know them. I am my mom’s daughter, and I always will be.

I’ve always been incredibly grateful to have been adopted by my parents, and with my mom’s passing, that gratitude has only deepened—both for her, my dad, and for my adoption as a whole. As I mentioned, I also realize that I no longer feel the need to search for my biological parents. It’s not because I don’t appreciate them for giving me the opportunity to be adopted by my parents, but because, in this moment, I feel whole.

If the day ever comes that I meet my biological parents, one of the first things I will do is thank them for their selflessness in giving me up for adoption. I would never have received that gift or lived the life I’ve had without my mom and dad.

Thank you, Mom.

-j🌻

"little things"

Image Source: CandyMafia

One of the first public waves of grief I experienced came soon after my mom passed away in February 2023. I was in the middle of a grocery store when I was naturally drawn to a snack on the shelf: Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins—one of my mom’s favorites. I immediately thought, Oh, she’s going to love this. But then, it hit me like a ton of bricks: she was no longer here. I wouldn’t be able to surprise her with treats she loved but rarely bought for herself. Tears welled up in my eyes, and an overwhelming wave of grief washed over me. I tried my best to brush the tears away and continued shopping. It was a small thing—a product on a shelf—but in that moment, it completely shattered my world.

During a later grocery run, I noticed the seasonal shelves were still stocked with fall and Halloween candy. My heart ached again when I saw Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins, but I purchased two bags of them in my Mom's honor. Even though I am not particularly fond of them myself, my niece loves them— they were also once a special bonding treat between her and her grandmother.

I like to think that even though she’s not here to enjoy them, she knows I thought of her and would still be surprising her if I could. I’ll forever miss the sparkle in her eyes and her dazzling smile whenever I surprised her—whether it was with treats, llama or gnome-themed items, or fuzzy aloe socks to keep her feet warm. I’ll also always miss how she’d jokingly scold me for spending money on such things, but it was always worth it just to see her smile and make her happy.

I’m sure you’ve already encountered—or will soon—little things that remind you of your loved one and tug at your heartstrings. Please know that it’s completely normal to feel sad and express those emotions, even in public, when these reminders surface. And if you don’t feel comfortable showing your emotions out in the open, I hope you have a safe space where you can fully feel and process everything you need to.

If there are things you can buy that help you feel closer to your loved one, I say go for it. Cherish the memories attached to those items. As I mentioned, I’m not particularly fond of the pumpkin candies, but every now and then, I’ll reach into the bag, grab one, and think, "To you, Mom!"

-j🌻