"reshaping my relationship"

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I’ve reached a point where, when I think of my mom, I don’t see her as fully gone at all—and for that, I am truly grateful.

However, it wasn’t an easy road to get to this mindset, though I’m surprised it happened sooner than I expected. There’s often a belief that, when someone passes, you should completely move on. If you continue to communicate with them or hold onto them in any way, it’s seen as not fully accepting their passing.

To me, it’s entirely possible to do both—to continue your relationship with a loved one and to accept their passing.

It took me a little while to stop thinking that my mom was just away for a while and would come back, even though I had seen her pass away right in front of me. What helped with that shift was when we received her cremains and urn. It was like a confirmation: Yes, she is gone, and this is all that remains of her physical body. Even though I knew she was physically gone, a part of me still held on to the hope that she would walk out of her bedroom door and tell me it was all just a bad dream—that it wasn’t her time yet, and she was still here.

I found myself at a crossroads. Society, and certain people around me, seemed to expect that I would just move on, but I didn’t want to leave my mom behind. To me, there was no reason to do that. Of course, I understand and respect why some people choose to move on in their own way, and that’s perfectly valid, too. But through the books I read and the online groups I joined, I came to realize that it’s entirely okay to bring your loved one with you as you move forward.

So, I worked on reshaping my relationship with her. I was able to acknowledge her cremains and urn, but still think of her as whole, happy, and healthy. I continue to remember her beautiful smile, hear her encouraging words, and laugh at her jokes. While she may no longer be with me physically, she is still very much a part of my life—whether as her vibrant self, an embracing light, or in the beauty of nature. And for those who believe in signs, I’ve received and continue to receive them, which brings me a great deal of comfort.

Reshaping my relationship with my mom has been one of the most healing things I’ve done in my grief journey. Of course, there are still days when the absence of her physical presence shatters me, and the wound in my heart feels deeper than ever. In those moments of overwhelming sadness, I allow myself to feel the pain fully. Then, I do my best to remind myself of all the ways she is still with me.

It may take some time, but if you feel called to reshape your relationship with a loved one who has passed, I say go for it. Find what works best for you, whether it’s a ritual like visiting their grave every Sunday, talking to them nightly like I do, or even going to their favorite café and ordering their favorite coffee. I’ve also seen many beautiful tributes to loved ones at important milestones, like weddings and pregnancy announcements. There are countless ways to carry them with you as you move forward in life, and I hope you find the path that feels right for you.

-j🌻

"transferring"

Trigger warning: This post discusses ashes and the transferring of ashes.

2023

Recently, I had to request a replacement urn necklace after the closure unexpectedly popped out of my original one. The night it happened, I thought my earring had fallen out of my ear, but I quickly realized I was mistaken. I grabbed a flashlight and knelt on the floor of our family room, trying to locate the source of the noise. Soon, I spotted a ruby gemstone and felt a wave of panic. Looking down at my necklace, I saw what almost looked like a wound—what had fallen was the closure, which wasn’t supposed to come off once secured.

After frantically checking to make sure none of the ashes had fallen out of my necklace, I moved to our kitchen table to try and fix the closure. As I placed the necklace on its back, a small fragment of bone shifted into the opening. Even though I had read about what ashes are made of, it still unsettled me a bit. I managed to secure the closure back in place, but I wasn’t entirely confident it wouldn’t pop off again. So, I reached out to the customer service team. Thankfully, they understood the situation and sent me a replacement urn necklace for free. My dad and I decided to handle the transfer of ashes to the new necklace ourselves.

The morning after receiving the replacement necklace, my dad and I prepared to transfer my mom’s ashes. When I removed the wooden base and saw her ashes in the plastic bag, my stomach dropped. I tried to remind myself that even though this was all that remained of her physical body, she was whole, happy, and healthy in spirit. My hands shook slightly as I transferred her ashes, careful not to drop anything. I even placed a few larger bone fragments into the necklace. Although I tried to approach this task with strength, my composure faltered when I began screwing the nails into the base. I couldn’t maintain the facade any longer.

I broke down. Tears blurred my vision, and I asked my dad if he could finish screwing in the base, which he kindly and thankfully did. It was hard to grasp that this was all that was left of my mom—a beautiful person with a wonderful heart, an infectious smile, and boundless love—just ash. The only thing that broke through the overwhelming pain was my cat, who started acting very goofy. I can’t quite describe his behavior, but it even made me ask, “What are you doing, Milo?” I like to think it was my mom’s way of trying to distract me or cheer me up.

After thanking my dad for his help and placing the urn back in the family room, I stood next to it, taking a moment. The transfer was an emotionally difficult process, but I’m incredibly grateful that I did it. The closure on this new necklace feels much more secure, which brings me peace knowing I won’t have to worry about her ashes falling out or losing the gemstone closure. I truly love and cherish this necklace, especially since it features her fingerprint, too.

If you choose to transfer ashes on your own and feel anxious about it, I recommend having someone you trust and feel comfortable with by your side. Having my dad there made a world of difference for me.

-j🌻

"my thoughts on my adoption now"

Image Source: M-Productions on iStock.com

Over the past several months, I’ve received a few emails from Ancestry, urging me to renew my membership or promoting deals on their website. When my brother and I first did the Ancestry kits, our main goal was to see if we could connect with any biological relatives, especially our biological parents. As Ancestry grew and added more features, we were able to learn more about our ethnic background. However, we still weren’t able to connect with any biological family members—aside from a few and very distant, possible relatives. Because of this, I eventually canceled my membership and stopped paying much attention to the emails encouraging me to renew.

(Please note, I’m only sharing my personal experience with Ancestry. As someone adopted from Ukraine, it’s not surprising that our biological family members aren’t on the site. I believe if you were born in the United States, you’d have a better chance of connecting with newly discovered biological relatives, as my mom did. Ancestry is a fascinating platform, and I’d still recommend it if you’re curious about your DNA. Please don’t let my experience discourage you—I still learned some cool things, like discovering I’m 1% Italian!)

Since my mom’s passing, I’ve come to realize that I no longer feel the emotional need to search for my biological parents, older half-sibling, or any other biological family members. Of course, this could change over time, but for now, I just don’t feel the same way I once did. And that’s perfectly okay.

The day before my mom passed away, we had a deeply moving private conversation. Toward the end, I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and felt completely connected to her, as if we were whole. It was an overwhelmingly pure feeling of love, almost like a deep, forgotten hole in my heart had been filled. I still think about that moment, especially during emotionally challenging times, and I can still feel the wave of euphoria and warmth in my heart. It was such a gift and a beautiful reminder that my mom will always live in my heart.

So, when I received those emails to renew, I thought, I don’t need that anymore. I don’t need to know them. I am my mom’s daughter, and I always will be.

I’ve always been incredibly grateful to have been adopted by my parents, and with my mom’s passing, that gratitude has only deepened—both for her, my dad, and for my adoption as a whole. As I mentioned, I also realize that I no longer feel the need to search for my biological parents. It’s not because I don’t appreciate them for giving me the opportunity to be adopted by my parents, but because, in this moment, I feel whole.

If the day ever comes that I meet my biological parents, one of the first things I will do is thank them for their selflessness in giving me up for adoption. I would never have received that gift or lived the life I’ve had without my mom and dad.

Thank you, Mom.

-j🌻