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I’ve reached a point where, when I think of my mom, I don’t see her as fully gone at all—and for that, I am truly grateful.
However, it wasn’t an easy road to get to this mindset, though I’m surprised it happened sooner than I expected. There’s often a belief that, when someone passes, you should completely move on. If you continue to communicate with them or hold onto them in any way, it’s seen as not fully accepting their passing.
To me, it’s entirely possible to do both—to continue your relationship with a loved one and to accept their passing.
It took me a little while to stop thinking that my mom was just away for a while and would come back, even though I had seen her pass away right in front of me. What helped with that shift was when we received her cremains and urn. It was like a confirmation: Yes, she is gone, and this is all that remains of her physical body. Even though I knew she was physically gone, a part of me still held on to the hope that she would walk out of her bedroom door and tell me it was all just a bad dream—that it wasn’t her time yet, and she was still here.
I found myself at a crossroads. Society, and certain people around me, seemed to expect that I would just move on, but I didn’t want to leave my mom behind. To me, there was no reason to do that. Of course, I understand and respect why some people choose to move on in their own way, and that’s perfectly valid, too. But through the books I read and the online groups I joined, I came to realize that it’s entirely okay to bring your loved one with you as you move forward.
So, I worked on reshaping my relationship with her. I was able to acknowledge her cremains and urn, but still think of her as whole, happy, and healthy. I continue to remember her beautiful smile, hear her encouraging words, and laugh at her jokes. While she may no longer be with me physically, she is still very much a part of my life—whether as her vibrant self, an embracing light, or in the beauty of nature. And for those who believe in signs, I’ve received and continue to receive them, which brings me a great deal of comfort.
Reshaping my relationship with my mom has been one of the most healing things I’ve done in my grief journey. Of course, there are still days when the absence of her physical presence shatters me, and the wound in my heart feels deeper than ever. In those moments of overwhelming sadness, I allow myself to feel the pain fully. Then, I do my best to remind myself of all the ways she is still with me.
It may take some time, but if you feel called to reshape your relationship with a loved one who has passed, I say go for it. Find what works best for you, whether it’s a ritual like visiting their grave every Sunday, talking to them nightly like I do, or even going to their favorite café and ordering their favorite coffee. I’ve also seen many beautiful tributes to loved ones at important milestones, like weddings and pregnancy announcements. There are countless ways to carry them with you as you move forward in life, and I hope you find the path that feels right for you.
-j🌻