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The phrase: "I'm officially an orphan now!" —
I’ll be honest: when I first came across posts or comments like this on social media, I didn’t feel immediate compassion or understanding. In fact, I felt a flicker of anger toward these individuals for casually saying they felt like—or were now—orphans after losing their last or only parent. Especially when it seemed, based on how they wrote, that they had never experienced the true hardships and trauma that come with being orphaned or adopted. (Just to clarify, this perspective is based on adult children who have lost their biological parents or parental figures.)
Then, I remembered a technique I had learned in therapy that I highly recommend to others when they’re feeling negatively about something or someone. It’s simple but effective: step back from that initial reaction and ask yourself, “Why am I really feeling this way?”
After digging through my thoughts and unpacking my feelings—especially since I’m truly grateful for my adoption—I realized that what bothered me wasn’t just the phrase itself, but how it seemed to minimize my own life experience. It felt as though my journey was being used in a superficial way to describe their loss of a biological parent. My first instinct was to say, "I'm very sorry for your loss, but you have no idea what that life is really like, so please don't use that phrase."
But then, I quickly realized that I had no right to tell them how they should feel. Their emotions are just as real and valid as mine. After all, they were technically orphans now, regardless of their age or whether they had grown up with their biological parents. Personally, I understand how losing a parent can emotionally transport you back to that childlike state of longing for your mom or dad. I can see why someone would equate their pain in such a way.
I also thought about how I would feel if someone discounted my grief over losing my mom. How would I react if someone said, "Well, you can’t be that sad she’s gone because she wasn’t even biologically related to you"? I would be devastated—crushed, even—that someone would invalidate my feelings simply because I wasn’t born from her womb, but from her heart.
The lesson I took from this is that people are allowed to feel however they feel, even if their experiences are different from mine. If someone expresses that they now feel like an orphan or are grieving the loss of their last or only parent, I can empathize with them. I no longer feel anger or annoyance. Losing that final parent can absolutely make someone feel like an orphan, and their feelings are completely valid.
-j🌻