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I read early on that relationships often change after losing a parent—or any loved one. I quickly noticed a sense of clarity about certain situations and found myself lacking the energy for specific people or circumstances. I was also deeply disappointed by some individuals I had expected to support me, as some were barely present or not there at all. On the other hand, I received incredible support from people I hadn’t anticipated, and I was pleasantly surprised by kind gestures from others I hadn’t expected much from. Losing a loved one can truly be an eye-opening experience when it comes to understanding relationships.
It’s also important to remember that some people simply don’t know what to say and, as a result, may remain silent or offer what feels like minimal support—often without intending to hurt you. Personally, I’d prefer someone to be honest and tell me that they don’t know what to say, rather than barely being there or not showing up at all. But, of course, I can’t control how others handle my loss. It can feel awkward to ask someone to acknowledge that limitation unless they bring it up themselves (though, if you feel comfortable doing so, I think that’s wonderful). As disappointing as these limitations can be, sometimes you have to accept that’s where they are, and that you can’t rely on them for support during your grief. You don’t necessarily have to end your relationship with them over this, but it’s important to recognize that they may not be able to provide the support you need in that capacity. With that in mind, I highly recommend seeking out online or in-person grief support groups, where your grief is seen, your pain is truly understood, and where you can receive meaningful advice.
On the other hand, as mentioned, people can also surprise you. You may find that those you expected to support you are doing exactly that—or even more. Personally, I felt a stronger connection to some people who had also lost their mothers. It also made me reflect, wondering, "Was I ever that person who wasn’t there enough or didn’t admit that I didn’t know what to say or do?" I’m fairly certain I was, because while I could empathize with others and their situations, I didn’t truly understand what it felt like until I lost someone I deeply loved.
Relationships can change in many ways after the passing of a loved one. Below are some of my reflections on the different dynamics I experienced:
the good:
Let’s start with the positive side.
Hopefully, the people you expected to support you truly do. Some may even go above and beyond. For me, I had a handful of people who fit into this category, and a few of them were heartwarming, pleasant surprises.
These people not only opened their doors for me to lean on them—physically and emotionally—but they also respected my boundaries as I navigated my grief. For months, I only felt comfortable seeing certain family members, and my friends never gave me any flak for this. They understood that I needed time to curl up in my "cave," mourning the emptiness beside me. They recognized that I was struggling with flashbacks and acute grief.
During this time, I focused on therapy, reading books on grief, and working on projects my mom had wanted to complete but couldn’t, like organizing the house, sewing a felt cat for my niece, and finishing a quilt for my mom’s nephew.
To those who were genuinely there for you during your grief, I recommend holding them close to your heart, as I do with mine. I found that the loss of my mom made certain connections with others even stronger, and I hope you’ve experienced the same.
the not so good:
As I mentioned earlier, sometimes relationships end after the loss of a loved one. Someone might intentionally say the wrong thing, cause unnecessary chaos, or show more interest in money than in your well-being. On a personal level, you may also realize that the person was only in your life because of the mutual connection to your loved one. If you feel that removing them from your life is the best choice, then I say go for it—but I recommend giving yourself a day or two to reflect before making that decision. When we’re hurt, we can sometimes act impulsively, only to regret it later. In my experience, it’s helpful to step back, take some time, and then decide, especially when it comes to something as significant as removing someone from your life. Keep in mind, too, that some people may not accept an apology later on.
There were a select few who truly fit into this category for me, and I’m not talking about people I realized I couldn’t rely on for support but still wanted to remain friends or family with. For me, the few who fell into this category were those who had treated my mom very poorly, both during her life and after her passing. Some even tried to make me regret putting my life on hold for three years to be there for her. After her loss, I realized I no longer had to keep these people in my life—especially those who had repeatedly used and abused my mom’s kindness, love, time, and even money. Knowing the pain and stress these individuals caused my mom, it became clear that removing them from my life was the best choice. And to be honest, it was also incredibly freeing.
You may find that this path is right for you as well, and if so, I hope it brings you the same sense of relief. As we grieve, we don’t need to carry additional trauma, heartache, or unnecessary drama that diverts our attention from our healing journey.
the indifferent:
This is a bit of a tricky category—the people you thought would change after the loss of your loved one but didn’t. The key difference between this category and the previous one is that it doesn’t have the same deeply negative impact on you. It’s more of a continuation of behavior, and honestly, it’s not really a surprise.
For me, the individuals who fell into this category were given opportunities—opportunities that initially came with hesitation or resounding "no's"—that others did not have, despite their extensive history of treating my mom poorly in various ways. We hoped that by giving them these chances, we would either start a new chapter or grow closer. However, shortly after, they returned to their old ways. While the disrespect initially caused a lot of anger, I now find myself mostly indifferent. I simply don’t have the energy to carry resentment anymore, but the lack of regard will always be something I remember.
It is what it is, and it always will be. However, depending on your situation, you can still choose to remove these individuals from your life if that’s what you feel is necessary for your peace.
the new:
This is one of the most incredible categories of people—the ones you meet at the door of a club that nobody wants to be a part of. They’re the ones who have gone through or are going through what you’ve just experienced. While not everyone will have the same perspective, the shared experience of losing someone close to us creates an unspoken bond that brings us together.
You can find these people in your personal life, in in-person grief groups, online grief communities, and more. I cannot recommend these types of groups enough. And this comes from someone who has done in-person group therapy before and ultimately prefers individualized therapy.
the overall:
Overall, it’s likely that your relationships with others will change after a loss. Some people may disappoint you, some may surprise you, and others may do exactly what you hoped they would. Ultimately, how you choose to handle these shifts is entirely up to you.
If you’re uncertain about how to navigate relationships after a loss, I highly recommend seeking therapy—whether individual or group. Having a third party (or third parties) offer insight can be incredibly helpful in sorting through your feelings. Personally, individualized therapy played a crucial role in helping me navigate my changing relationships.
-j🌻