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Image Source: Lludmila Chernetska on iStockPhoto
Another phrase I often see in online grief forums that can be irritating is "lost the battle." Many people who have lost loved ones to cancer find this phrase upsetting because it implies that their loved one wasn’t strong enough to beat it or that they gave up fighting—neither of which is typically true.
Having lost my mom to cancer, I completely understand why people dislike the phrase "lost the battle." I’m not a fan of it either because, in my experience, it doesn’t accurately reflect my mom’s journey. My mom had always said she never wanted to undergo IV chemo, but when she believed it was her last option to extend her life, she was willing to give it a try. Unfortunately, that option wasn’t available at the time. We were told that we had to shift from combat-mode to comfort-mode. There was nothing more that could be done. It broke my heart to watch her, someone who had never wanted to go down that path, be told that it was time to start thinking seriously—and quickly—about hospice, as the cancer was shutting down her vital organs.
So, when people say that my mom "lost her battle" to cancer, I choose to rephrase it in my response, with respect, as follows:
"Her body could not keep up with her strong, determined spirit."
Because it’s the truth, and I believe that most, if not all, others who have lost loved ones to cancer would feel the same way.
For those whose loved ones chose not to pursue the next treatment or any treatment at all, I don’t believe they "lost the battle" or "gave up" either. Deciding how to move forward after a terminal diagnosis is an incredibly difficult decision. While others might perceive it as giving up, I personally see it as their bodies simply not being able to keep up with their strong, determined spirits. In my view, it takes a great deal of courage to say "no" to life-prolonging medications, especially since the side effects can be extremely harsh and may end up making things worse.
For me, I’ll always say that I lost my mom in February of 2023 to cancer, but I’ll never say she lost her battle. She was, and still is, the strongest person I’ve ever known.
As with all posts on this blog, if you believe differently and find that works best for you, that’s perfectly okay! If you’re comfortable using the phrase "lost their battle to cancer" to describe your loss, or if others use it to describe your loss, that’s absolutely fine. Everyone has their own preferences, and my suggestion is just that—a suggestion.
-j🌻