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After the loss of a loved one, it can take time to shift from speaking in the present tense to the past. Sometimes, the present tense slips out, triggering a fresh wave of grief. It can even be embarrassing if someone gives you a concerned look, but please don’t feel embarrassed. In my opinion, there’s no need to change everything to past tense. There’s no rule that says once someone passes away, you have to alter everything about them to reflect that loss.
At first, I told myself I would keep most things about my mom in the present tense, because she will always be my mom, and to me, that didn’t end when she passed away. But then, when responding to people, I found myself backspacing to delete “is” and changing it to “was.” In my head, I knew I was speaking in the present tense, but I felt too embarrassed to write it that way. I didn’t want people to think I hadn’t accepted my mom’s passing, which couldn’t be further from the truth. She passed away right in front of me, and there’s no denying the fact that she is no longer physically here.
It wasn’t until I went to a follow-up acute grief appointment that I noticed my doctor—who was a wonderful person and an angel to my mom and our family during her battle and well before—spoke about my mom in the present tense. I felt a sense of relief, understanding, and acceptance in that moment. That’s when it clicked for me: I don’t have to speak about my mom in the past tense if I don’t want to. I didn’t bring up the tense change with my doctor, but I found myself responding to her using present tense as well. I’ll have to thank her for that.
If you prefer to use past tense, that’s perfectly okay, too! It’s all about what brings you the most comfort. I still sometimes find myself backspacing or actively changing my thoughts to past tense, depending on who I’m talking to or the context of what I’m writing or saying. Some people understand these preferences, while others don’t—and that’s not worth stressing over. Ultimately, it’s about what works best for you. For me, keeping my mom’s memory in the present tense feels right. It helps me feel like she’s still "alive" in a way, and that brings me comfort.
-j🌻