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When we brought my mom and her urn home, I would often wait until late at night to go downstairs and speak to her. I would fight sleep or nearly fall asleep while talking to her. I felt the need to do this privately, when no one was around, because I worried that if others knew, they would think I had "lost it" or hadn’t accepted my mom’s passing.
But over time, I learned that this behavior is an example of "continuing bonds."
And in reality, it’s perfectly normal and healthy.
Continuing bonds in grief is the process of maintaining a relationship with your loved one, even after they’ve passed away, rather than severing that connection right away. That said, if you feel that ending the bond is what’s best for you, that is perfectly okay too.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I understand that not every loss is experienced the same. For some, the person they lost may have caused pain, and their passing can bring closure, even a sense of relief in cutting that bond. On the other hand, if you had a loving relationship with your loved one and feel that continuing that bond helps you heal, that is perfectly normal as well. Ultimately, it's about what feels right for you.
If continuing a healthy bond with your loved one feels right for you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are allowed to talk to their picture, send them a text or email, or share updates with them in your mind. These actions are completely normal. There’s no rule that says once someone passes, you have to erase their existence and stop all forms of connection. And if anyone criticizes you for it, try not to let it bother you. In time, they might come back to you, apologize, and even tell you they now understand, because they too have found comfort in continuing their own bond.
Personally, I continue to nourish the bond I have with my mom. In August, it will be six months since her passing, yet I still talk to her before bed (albeit at a more reasonable hour and from my room). I send her silly videos I think she would enjoy, and I still hug "her" good morning and good night. These small acts bring me comfort and help me feel that she is still with me—and always will be.
This topic also ties into a previous post I wrote about "tenses." You can read that post by clicking Here.
-j🌻