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After my mom passed away, I found myself feeling like it was inappropriate to smile or laugh. I kept thinking, How can you feel anything other than sadness right now? It felt like a betrayal to her memory—not to mention to my own grief—if I wasn’t in a constant state of mourning. Any moment of happiness seemed like I was pretending everything was okay when, deep down, it wasn’t.
Then, I remembered a conversation I had with her—one that I feel incredibly fortunate to have had.
One evening, as I was brushing my mom’s hair—a simple act she had always loved since I was a child—she told me she didn’t want me to be sad when she passed away. I immediately replied, That will be impossible. Of course, I’ll be sad. But then she told me she didn’t want me to be sad forever. I promised her I’d do my best not to be.
As the caring, selfless person she was, she went on to say that she wanted me to be happy and to move forward with my life—not to stay “stuck” in sadness. While I know part of her words were shaped by my struggles with depression, they were also spoken with pure love, hope, and a deep desire for my well-being.
After that reminder, whenever I found myself smiling or laughing, I would quietly tell myself, There you go, Mom, you got your happiness!
As time passed and I worked on various methods to avoid falling back into that crippling depression (therapy has been a lifesaver—I can't recommend it enough), I started to feel like I was making her proud every time I experienced joy, cracked a joke, or smiled. I realized I was doing exactly what she wanted me to do. Now, I feel like I’ve allowed myself to be happy, and it’s had a truly positive impact on my grieving process.
As I mentioned earlier, I fully recognize how fortunate I am to have had these kinds of conversations with my mom. But I truly believe that, for those who didn’t have that opportunity, your loved one would want the same for you. I’m certain they wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for experiencing positive emotions, and I know they wouldn’t want you to remain sad forever.
It’s definitely easier said than done, but one technique that helped me when I struggled with guilt was reminding myself that my mom wanted me to be happy.
In my opinion, moving forward with your life doesn’t mean leaving your grief or your loved one behind. It means bringing them with you, and what better way to do that than with happiness?
-j🌻