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I decided to wait until after the holidays to share my experience and feelings about my first Christmas without my mom. I also held off because I was dealing with a respiratory issue (which I’m still struggling with), and it served as a distraction from the heavy emotions surrounding the holiday. As a result, I didn’t think much about how I was feeling leading up to Christmas. But before I knew it, Christmas had come and gone, and it still feels as though it never really happened.
general opinion
During the holidays, I believe it’s important to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable, if possible. If staying home alone, reading, and lighting a fireplace while you mourn feels right, that’s completely okay. If you prefer to go to a family member’s house and celebrate as usual, that’s just as okay. If you want to ignore the holiday and treat it like any other day, that’s perfectly fine too! If you feel pressured to celebrate but don’t want to, try to carve out some time to honor your grief or share your feelings with loved ones. I hope they’ll be understanding and supportive of whatever you choose to do. Your grief is valid and personal, so try not to let anyone make you feel bad for being sad, even on a holiday. And if you're open to it, sharing your grief can help challenge the stigma surrounding it.
my experience
For me, the focus was on making sure that my mom's granddaughter—my niece—had a Christmas that felt as close as possible to the ones we had celebrated together in the past (even though my wrapping skills were nowhere near as impressive as my mom's!). While I could have managed without celebrating the holiday, deep down, I knew that wasn’t what my mom would have wanted for her granddaughter. A big part of me also didn’t want that for her either. So, I shifted my grief from something that made me want to avoid the holiday, to something that fueled my desire to make the day special, "normal," and full of love—for my niece, my brother, and my dad. I also found ways to honor my mom and incorporate her interests into the holiday. Even though she wasn’t physically with us, she remained a significant part of our Christmas celebration, especially on Christmas Eve.
Christmas Day, however, was much quieter and more solemn. I found myself feeling deeply saddened at several points throughout the day. I continued my mom's tradition of making cinnamon rolls for breakfast and allowed myself to experience whatever emotions came my way. As the hours passed, I distracted myself with a few creative activities. I was genuinely grateful when evening arrived and I could finally go to bed—not just to end the day, but to look forward to returning to my new "normal" the next day, where my mom's physical absence wouldn’t weigh so heavily on my heart (thanks to the reshaped relationship I continue to have with her). There was also a sense of peace in knowing that I had done everything I could to fill her shoes, and I felt grateful for how happy her granddaughter was with everything. I also found myself with even more appreciation for everything she had done during past Christmases for me, her grandchildren, nieces, and nephews. I still don’t know how she managed to do it all!
closing
Overall, there’s no right or wrong way to spend the holidays—or the time leading up to them—when you’re grieving a loss. Whether you choose to spend the holidays alone, with friends or family, or even ignore them entirely, that’s perfectly okay. Whatever you decide, I’m sure your loved one will support your choice.
And don’t forget to take care of yourself during these special days.
-j🌻