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Of all the "firsts" this year, my mom's first heavenly birthday was the hardest for me. I think it hit me so hard because, unlike other milestones like Christmas or birthdays without her, this one was entirely focused on my mom.
While I found some comfort in knowing she was celebrating the day with her twin sister, a deep sorrow weighed heavily on me. I had already cried several times before even getting out of bed. Still, I knew I wanted to celebrate her, and thankfully, my dad felt the same way.
Although the day was mostly quiet, my dad and I found small ways to celebrate her. We got a small ice cream cake for the evening, picked up her favorite birthday cake (which we had planned to use the following weekend for a bigger celebration with her son and granddaughter, though the weather had other plans), and grabbed her favorite mixed berry smoothie. Later that day, her granddaughter and I also celebrated her birthday digitally. It was bittersweet, but I’m so grateful we had that moment. Despite everything, I’m thankful we were able to celebrate her openly. To me, even though she’s passed, her birthday deserves to be celebrated, and I intend to continue doing so, regardless of what others have suggested.
That being said, if you choose not to celebrate your loved one’s birthday, that’s perfectly okay too. Some people prefer to mark the occasion quietly or alone, while others may choose not to celebrate at all because it brings too much sadness. I believe it's important to do what feels right for you, while also being considerate of those around you. For example, while I knew I wanted to celebrate my mom’s birthday, I made sure to check with my dad to see how he felt about it. If he had wanted to keep it low-key or skip it entirely, I would have respected his wishes and celebrated quietly on my own. Thankfully, he was on board, and I’m so grateful that we could share that time together.
Similar to Christmas Day, I found myself wishing for the day to end—not because I didn’t want to honor my mom’s birthday, but because I longed for things to "return to normal." I wanted to feel the comfort of my reshaped relationship with her, where her physical absence doesn’t hurt as deeply. That night, I spoke to her, as I always do, and read her birthday card out loud. I wished her and her sister a happy birthday and eventually drifted off to sleep.
Overall, I believe birthdays can be incredibly challenging without our loved ones. They often leave us uncertain about what society deems "appropriate" when it comes to celebrating or not. However, I think if you feel the need to celebrate, you should do so in a way that feels right for you, while also respecting others' boundaries and limitations. I'm sure your loved one would appreciate and understand whatever you choose to do.
-j🌻