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One of the first public waves of grief I experienced came soon after my mom passed away in February 2023. I was in the middle of a grocery store when I was naturally drawn to a snack on the shelf: Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins—one of my mom’s favorites. I immediately thought, Oh, she’s going to love this. But then, it hit me like a ton of bricks: she was no longer here. I wouldn’t be able to surprise her with treats she loved but rarely bought for herself. Tears welled up in my eyes, and an overwhelming wave of grief washed over me. I tried my best to brush the tears away and continued shopping. It was a small thing—a product on a shelf—but in that moment, it completely shattered my world.
During a later grocery run, I noticed the seasonal shelves were still stocked with fall and Halloween candy. My heart ached again when I saw Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins, but I purchased two bags of them in my Mom's honor. Even though I am not particularly fond of them myself, my niece loves them— they were also once a special bonding treat between her and her grandmother.
I like to think that even though she’s not here to enjoy them, she knows I thought of her and would still be surprising her if I could. I’ll forever miss the sparkle in her eyes and her dazzling smile whenever I surprised her—whether it was with treats, llama or gnome-themed items, or fuzzy aloe socks to keep her feet warm. I’ll also always miss how she’d jokingly scold me for spending money on such things, but it was always worth it just to see her smile and make her happy.
I’m sure you’ve already encountered—or will soon—little things that remind you of your loved one and tug at your heartstrings. Please know that it’s completely normal to feel sad and express those emotions, even in public, when these reminders surface. And if you don’t feel comfortable showing your emotions out in the open, I hope you have a safe space where you can fully feel and process everything you need to.
If there are things you can buy that help you feel closer to your loved one, I say go for it. Cherish the memories attached to those items. As I mentioned, I’m not particularly fond of the pumpkin candies, but every now and then, I’ll reach into the bag, grab one, and think, "To you, Mom!"
-j🌻