.png)
Regret is a common emotion after losing a loved one, especially if you didn’t get the chance to say what you truly wanted before they passed. I’ve read stories of people whose last words to their loved ones were spoken in anger during an argument or who realized too late that their final opportunity to connect was a missed phone call because life got in the way. When that person is gone, the weight of missed opportunities—or the absence of any opportunity at all—can leave you berating yourself, wishing for just one more chance to say what you feel.
I fall into this category of regretting unspoken words, particularly when it comes to my aunt—my mom’s twin sister—who passed away unexpectedly. I’ll share more about her in the "Unexpected Passings" section.
terminal illnesses:
One of the few "silver linings" of a terminal illness diagnosis is that it often gives you some sense of when a person might pass. While it doesn’t take away the pain, it provides the certainty that the end is coming—it’s just a matter of when.
With my mom, we were told that life expectancy can vary for everyone with her diagnosis. The oncologists didn’t provide an exact number, which I understood, but research indicated a general expectancy of 3-5 years with treatment. Even though I knew we were on borrowed time, it wasn’t until the final week of her life that I had the more serious, meaningful conversations with her. Some of those talks were incredibly difficult, but they were absolutely worth it, as I felt certain she knew how much I love her—and always will.
I was also honored to read her heartfelt messages from those who loved her. While it was emotional and challenging, it was rewarding to share that love with her in her final days. I fully recognize that not everyone has the chance to say what they need to, and I want to emphasize how deeply grateful and fortunate I am. This paragraph is not written with any malice or to appear smug—it’s simply my reflection on a rare and precious opportunity.
After my mom’s passing, I reflected on our conversations. While I felt at peace with most of what we discussed, a part of me couldn’t shake an uneasy feeling. I kept wondering if there was one topic I hadn’t addressed—something I knew she would have worried about after her passing (and I’ll leave it at that for now). My mind spiraled into the "what if" questions.
To pull myself out of that spiral, I decided to try a technique I’d read about in grief books, one I had also used with my aunt: speaking out loud to my mom, saying the things I wish I had said. Though my views on the afterlife are mixed, I do find comfort in imagining that my mom is still with me, listening to me. (I like to think she sometimes jokes, "Jess, I love you, but please—go to sleep already!")
It brings me peace to think that if she can see me, she knows I’m living in a way she’d be proud of, doing what I know she would want for me. Over time, I’ve let go of the "what ifs" about the things I didn’t say before she passed.
In my experience, it can be incredibly beneficial and freeing to express what you need to say, even after someone has passed. Whether it’s out loud, in a letter, or through an email, finding a way to communicate those words can bring a sense of relief.
unexpected passings:
I also used this "speaking out loud" technique with my aunt, who passed away unexpectedly in 2021.
In the waves of grief, while supporting my mom through the loss of her twin, I realized that I, too, had been robbed of the chance to say goodbye to my aunt—to let her know how much she was loved and to express my sympathy for the hardships she endured. Of course, I had told her I loved her before her passing and did my best to support her through the challenges she faced, but it still hit me hard when I realized I hadn’t been able to say goodbye or tell her one last time how much I loved her. I also regretted not reaching out when I had thought about it—just a few days before or the week leading up to her passing.
In the midst of that overwhelming regret, I began speaking out loud to my aunt. I told her everything I wished I could have said, and I’ve continued to communicate with her in various ways since then. As a result, I feel much less burdened by guilt, though a small part of me will always wish I could have done more to help her through certain hardships. Still, it brings me comfort to know that she and my mom are once again reunited.
don't wait, say everything now if you can:
I also write this entry to encourage you to say what you need to say to your loved ones now. Don’t wait, because life is unpredictable, and you never know what might come your way. We often believe we have more time than we actually do.
However, if you missed the opportunity, please don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m certain your loved one wouldn’t want you to carry that guilt. I believe they’d rather you still express what you wanted to say—whether out loud or in writing. The important thing is finding a way to get those words out, from you to them.
-j🌻